So I have been doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING since Christmas day this past year. I have been content to just sit around, surf the net, and literally do NOTHING! I have been asking myself lately, why? Why have I been so lazy and so unmotivated to do anything? Am I depressed, am I sick, am I missing something in my life or do I just love food and being fat? I came to the conclusion that I'm literally just burnt out and I need a break. A break from the hustle and bustle or life. A break from the norm or what people perceive as the norm. I just needed to find me...and I did. I am taking a class in leadership ( I love learning) I got a job (I haven't worked in 5 years) and I stopped shopping compulsively (This was huge for me). Basically I've come to realize that I'm 32 years old and that I need to start loving myself. I was married young and had kids right after. So the years that were "supposedly" set aside for me to find my purpose in life, were laid out for me with no searching to be found. I am a wife and mother (which I love) but I am not me. I am not Marcia Motuliki anymore. I became Marcia Lealao and I lost myself. Just because my "purpose" changed, doesn't mean that I needed to change everything else about me...but I did. I lost my identity! So how do I find this lost identity??? By doing exactly what I did...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
I just listened to my body, my mind, my spirit. I really talked to myself and really for the first time in years, looked at myself, literally (and it wasn't too cute...LOL). And I didn't like what I heard or seen. So I've come to realize that now, Marcia Lealao's purpose is HAPPINESS. I know it sounds so cliche' but that's all that matters right? Like the saying goes, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." That seriously is my life. During my absolutely nothing stage, I seen the impact I have on my family. I apologize for their unhappiness because it was largely due to me. I am their #1 example. I am who my children look up to, admire and strive to be like. Do I want them to be like me...NO not right now. But that's the lovely thing about the gospel that I live. Repentance/forgiveness is the key to happiness. I make a mistake, I repent, ask for forgiveness and move on...
And so here I am spilling my guts out on this blog admitting to all of you and especially to myself that it's time for a change in my life. Because once it is written there is no turning back, I've got to follow through with actions now. Here are my goals:
1. GET HEALTHY
2. SMILE FROM WITHIN
3. BECOME IN TUNED WITH MY SPIRIT
In doing these 3 things I will gain happiness. I am giving myself 20 weeks, 140 days to lose 50 lbs or fat, stress, guilt, and unhappiness. In doing so I want to gain a healthier perspective on life and one that gives me purpose. A life that is filled with doing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING for me and my happiness! Which in turn will only make my family happier!
This temporary goal begins on March 1st and ends July 23rd. I will try to write about my progress daily. Wish me luck!! New me here I come....
aww sis this made me cry!! I have been there sister, and still going through it too. I think you're an amazing person, who never would I have ever thought of to be lazy!! Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a go getter and I love you! I know you will find your true happiness down this journey!! Love ya sis :)
ReplyDeleteAww, Cia.. I feel the EXACT same way. I need to do the same things. I haven't felt inspired as much as I want to be, but it comes from within. I miss being my strong self. If you need a weight loss buddy, I'm here too!!
ReplyDeleteLove you too An, thank you!
ReplyDeleteTricia that's exactly what I mean. My strong self is lost and I need to find her. And during this process she will be found. Yes we can be weight loss buddies. The more the merrier!!
YAY!!
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