13 years old.

I remember thinking as I was raising Serena that I do not want her to be a teenager. I wasn't a bad teenager, but I just knew that the innocent years would sort of end once she hit 13. And thus my thoughts are true. She is no longer the cute, spunky, down to earth girl she used to be. Serena is now a beautiful, opinionated, second guesses herself young woman. Do I accept that that is all she will be throughout her teenage years? No, I have to learn to accept that things change in life, as will she. We evolve as people, therefore we must evolve as parents and children. This concept/fact is hard for me to accept. I struggled to let Serena grow up this past year. I did not want to let go of my baby girl. She is my oldest child and you would think that I would have treated her as such, but I didn't to a degree. I did expect her to help me with my younger children, but I didn't let her go beyond that. I sheltered her from anything evil, any difficult challenge I defended her and I basically did not let her experience what "normal" children should experience. I have never let her walk home from school, I never let her stay after school alone for any reason at all (she had to be with a friend at all times), I have never let her ride the bus alone or even walk anywhere without someone or something (cell phone) with her. To some this would show that I was being a protective/good mother. But in essence I hindered her from finding who she is and what she has the potential to do. I believe in the quote, "When you know better, you do better." Serena is my oldest child. I had her when I was a child. So really I didn't know any better. I have come to understand through her small rebellion that she wants/needs freedom from me and that is why I, as well as Solomon have struggled with her this past year. She is a wonderful child of God. She is my test baby per say. I am testing my knowledge as a mother with her as she is testing her freedom to choose as a child with me. So now what? Do I completely let go and try to make up for time lost, or do I slowly let go of the rope a little at a time? I'm trying to figure that out. I want her to be all that she can be, with boundaries that is. I love this girl with all that I am and would do anything for her, but I can't. I have to let her grow and experience it on her own. Oh, its so hard! I wish the world was a better place for me to parent in, but it isn't. I have to have faith and trust in her that she can withstand the winds of time and I need to accept the choices that she makes. Serena my prayer for you is that you continue to hold strong to your faith. I pray that you never lose sight of your purpose here on earth and and that you REMEMBER who you are. You are a daughter of God who loves you as much as I love you. You were sent to this earth to teach us as parents to trust and have patience in all that we do with you as well as your siblings. You are a beautiful young woman and I pray that you always remember that. I am honored to be your mother and I accept the challenges that lay before me to bring you back to our Heavenly Father. I leave this prayer with you filled with all my love. Happy 13th birthday. Mommy loves you!!